Disclaimer:
Just wanted to give a heads up that the stuff I'm going to talk about in this thread may be sensitive to some people. I know it is for me. I wanted to make this thread to get a two month load off my chest, so I am hoping to achieve that by the end of me typing this. Just going to ramble and rant in some areas, so please expect it. Writing as I go.
March, 2020
At this time I was DarkRP manager. Evity was my SA, and Chase was my partner as DarkRp manager. Things were going extremely well, actually. Chase and I had a lot of big plans for DarkRP, and had already started experimenting with the new staff system we had spent a week on working. I was genuinely enjoying logging onto DarkRP every day, chilling with my friends, and working on the server. Occasionally I would play Modern Warfare with Chase and Evity, and we really bonded and became incredibly close with one another. These two had become my best friends in the entire community, and we had hundreds of hours spent together. Near the middle of that month, I wanted to return back to MRP for a couple of wars and say hello to some old faces. Hoping to join a SOC faction and relax during the downtime of DarkRP, I decided on Frogmen and soon got in. Around the same time, Evity was removed as SA, and Chase was temporarily removed of the rank of manager. Both left the server completely soon after, and I really didn't see any of them until recently, when we shared a couple of hours in TS. Losing these two destroyed my passion to play on DarkRP, and with each coming day, I kept pushing myself away from DRP, and towards MRP. I was really lost during this time, and MRP was like a drug I just couldn't get enough of. Fast PvP, funny people, and an environment I absolutely loved. The only reason I had left MRP in the first place was because one night, after being removed from DF, I joined DarkRP and was met with some incredibly friendly people, prompting me to stay, and then become a part of the staff team. My heart was always in MRP, but DarkRP was just a distraction until I was ready to come back. Losing Chase and Evity was the tipping point for my time on DRP, and I unofficially took an LOA and mained MRP for a couple months. At the end of March, I was feeling down, but I was beginning to warm up to the MRP community, and they seemed to be warming up too.
April, 2020
Sub. 1.0: Cheating
The beginning of this month started rough. Already feeling down about my only two friends leaving the community, I slowly started to make friends with my new MRP community. Things were shaping up in Frogmen, I seemed to be on great terms with the entirety of RU, and I was friends with most leaders and SOC on US. Then, April 4th, 2020, a bombshell hit me. Never before had this happened to me. A post made overnight gained so much traction in 12 hours that it blew my mind. Waking up on April 4th was one of the worst feelings. Getting out of bed, I checked my phone only to see it blown up with messages like "Did you do it?". or "Please tell me this is a joke." DarkRP staff, players, and MRP staff and players filled my inbox, asking me if I had done something. Not knowing what was going on, but already fearing the worst, I opened up the forums only to see "Buddha - Hacking". Pages and pages of +1s. There wasn't a single person defending my honor. Everyone, including some of the people I considered "close", were +1ing that report. To see every single person that you spent the last half a month with, trying to gain their friendship, just accept the fact that you would cheat crushed me. This had happened to me before, in my old community with my old friends. This had happened to me before in real life, with my school friends. This was the kind of stuff that was happening with me and my parents: being accused of things I didn't do. From every side of the community, it was harassment, insults, crude jokes, and positive belief that I had cheated. That morning, I threw up my breakfast. That's the joke everyone likes to make - Buddha's breakfast. I was so anxious, so shaky, so freaked and scared out of my mind that I could not digest my food. I threw up in my bathroom, and then got right onto the forums to type a message in hopes to calm everyone down. I then spoke to Garnet, to Shrimps, to Bishop, and to Phantom - all whom which I regret talking to, other than Garnet. He was always nice to me before, and he showed the same kindness to me throughout this entire thing. He went as far as to defend me publicly as well, and I let him know every time I talk to him how grateful I am. After telling Garnet about my morning, and talking to Bishop and Phantom about the next steps I should take, I started brushing over every single inch of my recorded footage - footage only recorded from the 4th, not the 3rd when the evidence was recorded. That entire long and grueling week and a half, I was anxiously awaiting a final verdict on the thread. I would spam Aidan and Garnet with paragraphs and paragraphs on why I wouldn't morally do it, or how the evidence looked suspicious, or how else I could prove I wasn't cheating. When I was accused of something I know I didn't do, but had no way of proving it, it just gave me flashbacks to all the times this had happened to me before, and I absolutely lost it. I think I went dark for a couple days, not talking to anyone. I wouldn't leave my house for walks. I was so exhausted that my sleep schedule flip-flopped daily. I couldn't eat. Losing everyone in an instant was enough to entirely shatter my will for anything, as the months prior to this I was extremely depressed and wanted nothing more than to slump away into nothingness. At the time, with Corona, not being able to see my friends in real life, losing friendships with a lot of people, and my computer being relatively available, Garnet was pretty much all I had at the time. People also made fun of the fact that I had said this in my appeal, and I ask - why? I didn't have anything prior to this. Garnet was a place where I could express myself, and I also held a position of authority. I was doing what I loved to do, and people seemed to love me doing it. Near the end of the week and a half long wait, I was fortunate enough to stumble across 421 Smok Meth, who took 30 seconds to analyze the evidence and showed me that the same evidence used to label me guilty, proved I wasn't cheating. Even with this final verdict, people believed that I had complained and told Garnet not to ban me, and therefore he felt sorry and didn't proceed with a ban. It didn't happen that way. I did communicate with Garnet and tell him not to ban me, and presented him with not evidence, but the morality and background of the situation - things that wouldn't hold up in a report. I was even given confirmation from Aidan that the report was going to be accepted, and that I would be banned. I had lost hope until 421 helped me out, as why prior to me talking to him, I hadn't messaged Garnet nor Aidan regarding the ban, as it was in my mind, destined to be accepted.
Sub. 1.1: Fallout
After being cleared of cheating, there were still many in the community who were suspicious of my "skill", and wanted to prove I was cheating. This went on for weeks, and people continued to harass me over it. At one point, I was fed up. It was driving me insane that people still believed I cheated based on two clips that were proven false, and some of them went as far as joining every TS channel I was in and spamming me. Even after proved innocent, I was still being barraged by people left and right. I mentioned in an earlier post of mine my mindset when dealing with problems that cannot be handled just by staying silent or denying them. I decided to self-deprecate, and go along with the jokes that I was cheating, even going as far as posting a faked screenshot of me cheating. I received backlash for this, mainly from Shrimps and Garnet, who accused me of manipulating them into feeling sorry for me, and then turning a 180 and making light of the whole situation. I tried to explain time and time again that this was not the case; that my way of coping with this was doing this, and that I was genuine with everything I felt during the hacking report. Nonetheless, they didn't believe me, and it sunk me into a deeper whole. For anyone saying "He's making an excuse", go read my other post, where I mentioned my current mental state, my previous mental state, and my coping mechanisms with it. Please. It provides a lot of insight into who I am. This post, FYI, was made a month prior to any of this as well, to any sceptics who might believe I faked a reaction for the appeal group, and then proceeded about my normal day.
Sub 2.0: Enigma
On the same day as the "Buddha - Hacking" thread, Enigma had banned me from the TTT server. I would later learn of this when I joined with a couple of friends, and realized I had been permanently banned. When asking Garnet about the ban, he told me to make an appeal and a staff report on Enigma if I felt it was unjust. In a complete blinded rage, I wrote a hasty report on Enigma, slandering his name without any evidence or credible proof. I realize now, a month after, that I did exactly what people had done to me before, and I truly regret that post. I was the incompetent one, and I made sure to let him and his staff team know that. Enigma, I hope you are reading this, because I genuinely am sorry. I know it has only been a month, but I hope you forgive me. Out of hatred due to the past and misguided anger, I created that post thinking I could solve all my problems and cancel someone other than myself at the time. Truth be told, I was projecting and deflecting in that post, and I wanted to see revenge. I no longer feel this way, and after making that post, I instantly felt it was wrong. I talked to Garnet on what to do, and he told me to man up and take the criticism. I thank you for staying professional about the entire thing, even through all the bullshit I was putting you through. You're a better SA then I ever imagined. After the post received the response it did, I continued digging a deeper hole for myself, stacking mistake after mistake on my back. It was crushing me at this point, and I kept apologizing. My mental health was fucked, and my decision making even more so. I believed that as long as I apologized for everything, it would turn out to be alright in the end - which it didn't. I was on a path of self-destruction, and I didn't even know it. I realize now, after taking my mind off the community for almost a month now, and focusing more on myself and what I wanted to do, that I wanted to be hated. In the mindset I was in during the month of April, although it devastated me even more and more after each mistake, in the end, it was what I wanted. I guess I always had the self-destruct mentality even as a kid, resorting to burning bridges when backed into a corner I seemingly couldn't escape.
Sub 3.0: Death Threats
The final nail on the coffin was WhiteBolt's report on me for threatening his life. This was near the end of April, and by this point I didn't even possess common sense. I was starving myself due to pure anxiety and self-consciousness of not being good enough, and I was destroying my body with the sheer amount of nicotine I was putting into my lungs. Nothing really mattered to me at that point. My grades were falling, and I didn't even care. I was putting off registering to my college, I was ignoring my girlfriend, and I wasn't really talking to my friends at all. That final night, when I threatened WhiteBolt's life, that was game over. He promptly made a report, and I was punished. I knew I deserved it, and being banned off MRP lifted an enormous weight off my shoulders. I thank you WhiteBolt for making that report. In the beginning, I couldn't see you were doing me a favor, and with that being my last experience on MRP, it taught me a lot. Thank you for that. I made light of someone's life, and that went beyond my morals as a person. I let WhiteBolt know multiple times that I was deeply sorry for what I had said to him, and that even if I was still banned, I would always thank him for forgiving me. I shifted my focus back to DarkRP, to try and hold the tiny thread that was my manager position, and started to work on the server I had invested so much time into.
Sub. 4.0: Buddha - Formal Report
To this day, I do not think a single person in Memeware likes me. I don't think any of them even have a shard of friendship with me, and I hate that, because I wanted to be on good terms with everyone in the community. But, you cannot please them all. Before Vibe, on behalf on Memeware, posted "Buddha - Formal Report", Bishop talked to me in advance. He warned me that there was a report on me, and that if it was accepted, I would be community banned. I talked to him for about an hour, trying to defend every last action I had made, and telling him that a lot of the information he had was one sided. This conversation didn't go anywhere, and I prepared myself for the worst the day after. I was ready, and although depressed and absolutely shot down that I would never be able to return to the GG community, I accepted my fate and was ready for whatever the outcome might be. I told myself that even if the report was accepted, I would take a long break from the server; potentially never coming back again. On April 30th, Vibe posted the report. Thankfully, this time, multiple people came to my defense, helping my case and defending my name. You don't know how much it means to me that a few people decided to stand up for me and defend my name. Thank you. More than you could imagine. Finally, Garnet stepped in as well, writing a message that still warms my heart today,
"Yes, I do think Buddha is a complete manipulative moron, and again, i'm not in the right place to write a statement about his mental health, however, I do GENUINELY believe he has a good heart..."
This meant so much to me, because it proved that even through all the shit that I caused him, even through all the self-deprecation, all the destructive behavior, he STILL believed in me, and I thank him from the bottom of my heart. Even though Garnet denied the report, he rightfully removed my rank as manager, and put me down to T.Admin. By the end of April, I was removed from my manager position on DarkRP, I had lost the respect of most of the community, and I didn't feel like I needed to be in the community anymore. However, Garnet had sparked the tiniest amount of hope in myself and my abilities, and I continued on, my sights set on returning to MRP.
May, 2020
It is now nearing the end of May, with the date being the 27th as of writing this, bordering on the 28th. I've spent a lot of time, thanks to COVID-19, alone with my thoughts. I've spent some time outside with family, and have found a new friend group who I enjoy talking to (most of the time). During the month I have been absent from the community, I have been taking the time to reflect on everything that went wrong, and what I could have done. The solutions seem simple now, but back then my mind was clouded and my judgement was flawed. I by no means am cured from my mental problems. Recently, I had a conversation with Garnet and he helped in regards to my eating disorder, which I want to thank him for again. I would also like to thank my girlfriend for helping me out with my depression, as she genuinely cared and got me through some of it. I still wake up every day with almost no purpose to live. It still hurts more and more every day to get out of bed. And I still resort to nasty habits. Recently, I've been battling nicotine withdrawls, which have been a pain in the ass to deal with, but I want to thank Coyote for sticking with me and providing insight on how to get past it. I want to thank my new group of friends, who instantly took me in and have been sticking by my side this month, helping me recover. I would like to thank the few who stood up for me, even when I was self-destructing. And I want to thank this community as a whole. Without you guys, without this community, I wouldn't be here today. I thoroughly enjoyed writing game reviews, as it sparked a passion that has been burning inside me for years. I was excited to try my hands at editing videos, and loved spending hours trying to figure out how to trim clips. I have missed browsing the forums as an observer, rather than someone in the dog pit constantly. I've enjoyed making content that the community enjoys, as I am now the second person with the Gold forums badge, and am finally 5th on the all time leaderboard of reputation. Thank you all for helping me, whether it be directly, indirectly, or through criticism, because this type of stuff translates into my real life. Thank you all. I have been doing a lot better, and have a hopefully bigger post for June 1st coming up. I hope to continue being a part of this community, and giving back what was once given to me. Thank you for reading my post, and thank you for being a part of the community.
