thank you

[eXg-Buddha 729]

Disclaimer:

Just wanted to give a heads up that the  stuff I'm going to talk about in this thread may be sensitive to some people. I know it is for me. I wanted to make this thread to get  a two month load off my chest, so I am hoping to achieve that by the end of me typing this.  Just going to ramble and rant in some areas, so please expect it. Writing as I go.

 

March, 2020

At this time I was DarkRP manager. Evity was my SA, and Chase was my partner as DarkRp manager. Things were going extremely well, actually. Chase and I had a lot of big plans for DarkRP, and had already started experimenting with the new staff system we had spent a week on working. I was genuinely enjoying logging onto DarkRP every day, chilling with my friends, and working on the server. Occasionally I would play Modern Warfare with Chase and Evity, and we really bonded and became incredibly close with one another. These two had become my best friends in the entire community, and we had hundreds of hours spent together. Near the middle of that month, I wanted to return back to MRP for a couple of wars and say hello to some old faces. Hoping to join a SOC faction and relax during the downtime of DarkRP, I decided on Frogmen and soon got in. Around the same time, Evity was removed as SA, and Chase was temporarily removed of the rank of manager. Both left the server completely soon after, and I really didn't see any of them until recently, when we  shared a couple of hours in TS. Losing these two destroyed my passion to play on DarkRP, and with each coming day, I kept pushing myself away from DRP, and towards MRP. I was really lost during this time, and MRP was like a drug I just couldn't  get enough of. Fast PvP, funny people, and an environment I absolutely loved. The only reason I had left MRP in the first place was because one night, after being removed from DF, I joined DarkRP and was met with some incredibly friendly people, prompting me to stay, and then become a part of the staff team. My heart was always in MRP, but DarkRP was just a distraction until I was ready to come back. Losing Chase and Evity was the tipping point for my time on DRP, and I unofficially took an LOA and mained MRP for a couple months. At the end of March, I was feeling down, but I was beginning to warm up to the MRP community, and they seemed to be warming up too. 

 

April, 2020

Sub. 1.0: Cheating

The beginning of this month started rough. Already feeling down about my only two friends leaving the community, I slowly started to make friends with my new MRP community. Things were shaping up in Frogmen, I seemed to be on great terms with the entirety of RU, and I was friends with most leaders and SOC on US. Then, April 4th, 2020, a bombshell hit me. Never before had this happened to me. A post made overnight gained so much traction in 12 hours that it blew my mind. Waking up on April 4th was one of the worst feelings. Getting out of bed, I checked my phone only to see it blown up with messages like "Did you do it?". or "Please tell me this is a joke." DarkRP staff, players, and MRP staff and players filled my inbox, asking me if I had done something. Not knowing what was going on, but already fearing the worst, I opened up the forums only to see "Buddha - Hacking". Pages and pages of +1s. There wasn't a single person defending my honor. Everyone, including some of the people I considered "close", were +1ing that report. To see every single person that you spent the last half a month with, trying to gain their friendship, just accept the fact that you would cheat crushed me. This had happened to me before, in my old community with my old friends. This had happened to me before in real life, with my school friends. This was the kind of stuff that was happening with me and my parents: being accused of things I didn't do. From every side of the community, it was harassment,  insults, crude jokes, and positive belief that I had cheated. That morning, I threw up my breakfast. That's the joke everyone likes to make - Buddha's breakfast. I was so anxious, so shaky, so freaked and scared out of my mind that I could not digest my food. I threw up in my bathroom, and then got right onto the forums to type a message in hopes to calm everyone down. I then spoke to Garnet, to Shrimps, to Bishop, and to Phantom - all whom which I regret talking to, other than Garnet.  He was always nice to me before, and he showed the same kindness to me throughout this entire thing. He went as far as to defend me publicly as well, and I let him know every time I talk to him how grateful I am. After telling Garnet about my morning, and talking to Bishop and Phantom about the next steps I should take, I started brushing over every single inch of my recorded footage - footage only recorded from  the 4th, not the 3rd when the evidence was recorded. That entire long and grueling week and a half, I was anxiously awaiting a final verdict on the thread. I would spam Aidan and Garnet with paragraphs and paragraphs on why I wouldn't morally do it, or  how the evidence looked suspicious, or how else I could prove I wasn't cheating. When I was accused of something I know I didn't do, but had no way of proving it, it just gave me flashbacks to all the times this had happened to me before, and I absolutely lost it. I think I went dark for a couple days, not talking to anyone. I wouldn't leave my  house for walks. I was so exhausted that my sleep schedule flip-flopped daily. I couldn't eat. Losing everyone in an instant was enough to entirely shatter my will for anything, as the months prior to this I was extremely depressed and wanted nothing more than to slump away into nothingness. At the time, with Corona, not being able to see my friends in real life, losing friendships with a lot of people, and my computer being relatively available, Garnet was pretty much all I had at the time. People also made fun of the fact that I had said this in my appeal, and I ask - why? I didn't have anything prior to this. Garnet was a place where I could express myself, and I also held a position of authority. I was doing what I loved to do, and people seemed to love me doing it. Near the end of the week and a half long wait, I was fortunate enough to stumble across 421 Smok Meth, who took 30 seconds to analyze the evidence and showed me that the same evidence used to label me guilty, proved I wasn't cheating. Even with this final verdict, people believed that I had complained and told Garnet not to ban me, and therefore he felt sorry and didn't proceed with a ban. It didn't happen that way. I did communicate with Garnet and tell him not to ban me, and presented him with not evidence, but the morality and background of the situation - things that wouldn't hold up in a report. I was even given confirmation from Aidan that the report was going to be accepted, and that I would be banned. I had lost hope until 421 helped me out, as why prior to me talking to him, I hadn't messaged Garnet nor Aidan regarding the ban, as it was in my mind, destined to be accepted. 

Sub. 1.1:  Fallout

After being cleared of cheating, there were still many in the community who were suspicious of my "skill", and wanted to prove I was cheating. This went on for weeks, and people continued to harass me over it. At one point, I was fed up. It was driving me insane that people still believed I cheated based on two clips that were proven false, and some of them went as far as joining every TS channel I was in and spamming me. Even after proved innocent, I was still being barraged by people left and right. I mentioned in an earlier post of mine my mindset when dealing with problems that cannot be handled just by staying silent or denying them. I decided to self-deprecate, and go along with the jokes that I was cheating, even going as far as posting a faked screenshot of me cheating. I received backlash for this, mainly from Shrimps and Garnet, who accused me of manipulating them into feeling sorry for me, and then turning a 180 and making light of the whole situation. I tried to explain time and time again that this was not the case; that my way of coping with this was doing this, and that I was genuine with everything I felt during the hacking report. Nonetheless, they didn't believe me, and it sunk me into a deeper whole. For anyone saying "He's making an excuse", go read my other post, where I mentioned my current mental state, my previous mental state, and my coping mechanisms with it. Please. It provides a lot of insight into who I am. This post, FYI, was made a month prior to any of this as well, to any sceptics who might believe I faked a reaction for the appeal group, and then proceeded about my normal day. 

 

 

Sub 2.0:  Enigma

On the same day as the "Buddha - Hacking" thread, Enigma had banned me from the TTT server. I would later learn of this when I joined with a couple of friends, and realized I had been permanently banned. When asking Garnet about the ban, he told me to make an appeal and a staff report on Enigma if I felt it was unjust. In a complete blinded rage, I wrote a hasty report on Enigma, slandering his name without any evidence or credible proof. I realize now, a month after, that I did exactly what people had done to me before, and I truly regret that post.  I was the incompetent one, and I made sure to let him and his staff team know that. Enigma, I hope you are reading this, because I genuinely am sorry. I know it has only been a month, but I hope you forgive me. Out of hatred due to the past and misguided anger, I created that post thinking I could solve all my problems and cancel someone other than myself at the time. Truth be told, I was projecting and deflecting in that post, and I wanted to see revenge. I no longer feel this way, and after making that post, I instantly felt it was wrong. I talked to Garnet on what to do, and he told me to man up and take the criticism.  I thank you for staying professional about the entire thing, even through all the bullshit I was putting you through. You're a better SA then  I ever imagined. After the post received the response it did, I continued digging a deeper hole for myself, stacking mistake after mistake on my back. It was crushing me at this point, and I kept apologizing. My mental health was fucked, and my decision making even more so. I believed that as long as I apologized for everything, it would turn out to be alright in the end - which it didn't.  I was on a path of self-destruction, and I didn't even know it. I realize now, after taking my mind off the community for almost a month now, and focusing more on myself and what I wanted to do, that I wanted to be hated. In the mindset I was in during the month of April, although it devastated me even more and more after each mistake, in the end, it was what I wanted.  I guess I always had the self-destruct mentality even as a kid, resorting to burning bridges when  backed  into a corner I seemingly couldn't escape.  

 

Sub 3.0: Death Threats

The final nail on the coffin was WhiteBolt's report on me for threatening his life. This was near the end of April, and by this point I didn't even possess common sense. I was starving myself due to pure anxiety and self-consciousness of not being good enough, and I was destroying my body with the sheer amount of nicotine I was putting into my lungs. Nothing really mattered to me at that point. My grades were falling, and I didn't even care. I was putting off registering to my college, I was ignoring my girlfriend, and I wasn't really talking to my friends at all. That final night, when I threatened WhiteBolt's life, that was game over. He promptly made a report, and I was punished. I knew I deserved it, and being banned off MRP lifted an enormous weight off my shoulders. I thank you WhiteBolt for making that report. In the beginning, I couldn't see you were doing me a favor, and with that being my last experience on MRP, it taught me a lot.  Thank you for that.  I made light of someone's life, and that went beyond my morals as a person. I let WhiteBolt know multiple times that I was deeply sorry for what I had said to him, and that  even if I was still banned, I would always thank him for forgiving me.  I shifted my focus back to DarkRP, to try and hold the tiny thread that was my manager position, and started to work on the server I had invested so much time into.

 

Sub. 4.0: Buddha - Formal Report

To this day, I do not think a single person in Memeware likes me. I don't think any of them even have a shard of friendship with me, and I hate that, because I wanted to be on good terms with everyone in the community. But, you cannot please them all. Before Vibe, on behalf on Memeware, posted "Buddha - Formal Report", Bishop talked to me in advance. He warned me that there was a report on me, and that if it was accepted, I would be community banned. I talked to him for about an hour, trying to defend every last action I had made, and telling him that a lot of the information he had was one sided. This conversation didn't go anywhere, and I prepared myself for the worst the day after. I was ready, and although depressed and absolutely shot down that I would never be able to return to the GG community, I accepted my fate and was ready for whatever the outcome might be. I told myself that even if the report was accepted, I would take a long break from the server; potentially never coming  back again.  On April 30th, Vibe posted the report. Thankfully, this time, multiple people came to my defense, helping my case and defending my name. You don't know how much it means to me that a few people decided to stand up for me and defend my name. Thank you. More than you could imagine. Finally, Garnet stepped in as well, writing a message that still warms my heart today,

"Yes, I do think Buddha is a complete manipulative moron, and again, i'm not in the right place to write a statement about his mental health, however, I do GENUINELY believe he has a good heart..."

This meant so much to me, because it proved that even through all the shit that I caused him, even through all the self-deprecation,  all the destructive behavior, he STILL believed in me, and I thank him from the bottom of my heart.  Even though Garnet denied the report, he rightfully removed my rank as manager, and put me down to T.Admin.  By the end of April, I was removed from my manager position on DarkRP, I had lost the respect of most of the community, and I didn't feel like I needed to be in the community anymore. However, Garnet had sparked the tiniest amount of hope in myself and my abilities, and I continued on, my sights set on returning to MRP.

 

 

May, 2020

It is now nearing the end of May, with the date being the 27th as of writing this, bordering on the 28th. I've spent a lot of time, thanks to COVID-19, alone with my thoughts. I've spent some time outside with family, and have found a new friend group who I enjoy talking to (most of the time).  During the month I have been absent from the community, I have been taking the time to reflect on everything that went wrong, and what I could have done. The solutions seem simple now, but back then my mind was clouded and my judgement was flawed. I by no means am cured from my mental problems. Recently, I had a conversation with Garnet and he helped in regards to my eating disorder, which I want to thank him for again. I would also like to thank my girlfriend for helping me out with my depression, as she genuinely cared and got me through some of it. I still wake up every day with almost no purpose to live. It still hurts more and more every day to get out of bed. And I still resort to nasty habits. Recently,  I've been battling nicotine withdrawls, which have been a pain in the ass to deal with, but I want to thank Coyote for sticking with me and providing insight on how to get past it. I want to thank my new group of friends, who instantly took me in and have been sticking by my side this month, helping me recover. I would like to thank the few who stood up for me, even when I was self-destructing. And I want to thank this community as a whole. Without you guys, without this community, I wouldn't be here today. I thoroughly enjoyed writing game reviews, as it sparked a passion that has been burning inside me for years. I was excited to try my hands at editing videos, and loved spending hours trying to figure out how to trim clips. I have missed browsing the forums as an observer, rather than someone in the dog pit constantly. I've enjoyed making content that the community enjoys, as I am now the second person with the Gold forums badge, and am finally 5th on the all time leaderboard of reputation. Thank you all for helping me, whether it be directly, indirectly, or through criticism, because this type of stuff translates into my real life. Thank you all. I have been doing a lot better, and have a hopefully bigger post for June 1st coming up. I hope to continue being a part of this community, and giving back what was once given to me. Thank you for reading my post, and thank you for being a part of the community.

[Lark 63]

everyone makes mistakes
its lame to judge niggas from a few mistakes
you are a great person and ive known u for a while
love you man

Edited May 28, 2020 by Lark

[Dash 10]

Shoutout p2w

but real shit good job. Knowing u irl and being childhood friends I am actually proud of you.

[Topshot1 283]

Everyone makes mistakes and you learned from that. Not everyone is perfect. I've made plenty of mistakes that I regretted and I hoped that I could some how fix it. I know the position you are in currently with your mental problem and everything but I will be here if you need anything. You stay safe out there buddy. 

[Fetn 1,217]

Buddha everyone makes mistakes we all are human and we can't judge each other or our selves for making mistakes. you have helped me out when I was garbage and I am surprised I am still here but you were a great person to talk to and you helped me out while I was DRP staff and I wont forget it. You had your ups and downs but it doesn't matter you truly are a great person on the inside. When people are put in the position you are in most would fail but some like your self will keep fighting so keep fighting man. If you need someone to talk to I am always open and you can talk to me on discord Fetn#1313. I hope you beat what ever your going through stay safe out there man.

Edited May 28, 2020 by Fetn

[Blade 87]

Edited May 28, 2020 by Blade

[LalaDeviluke 328]

Everyone makes mistakes but if you learn from those mistakes it'll only better yourself so I'm glad you were able to learn from mistakes. I never really knew you when i came back, but the more i got to know you, the more chill you sound. But we are kinda close now and your fun to hang around with like that one night with the coyote memes lol. But as for what i've done to help Fetn I'm there for you too. And i'm sure everyone is also there for you in the friend group so lets enjoy ourselves and keep each other entertain each other during the pandemic!!

Edited May 28, 2020 by LalaDeviluke

[Josh 22]

hmmm another intresting case here. Monkey.

[WhiteBolt 33]

Hey man, I forgave you a long time ago and still do. You need to actually talk to me on discord man I wanna get to know you more. . It’s really hard being in this time and having mental health issues. And no need to thank me seriously, if I knew you a bit better I probably wouldn’t have done it but I’m glad it helped you shape up yourself.

Edited May 28, 2020 by WhiteBolt

[HOT-GIRL 50]

3 hours ago, eXg-Buddha said:

I was starving myself due to pure anxiety and self-consciousness of not being good enough, and I was destroying my body with the sheer amount of nicotine I was putting into my lungs. Nothing really mattered to me at that point. My grades were falling, and I didn't even care. I was putting off registering to my college, I was ignoring my girlfriend, and I wasn't really talking to my friends at all. That final night, when I threatened WhiteBolt's life, that was game over.

I can relate to  this... too much but i hope everything is ok...

[Graykidz 112]

I wanna put a “Let’s play 8 ball” photo but due to the whole thing and how much he worked on writing this it would be way too cringey for me

[Guest proggy]

7 hours ago, eXg-Buddha said:

I shifted my focus back to DarkRP, to try and hold the tiny thread that was my manager position, and started to work on the server I had invested so much time into.

This comment bothers me. What exactly have you done for DarkRP in the past 6-8 weeks other than duel @br0ken for about an hour. I have seen zero staff activity from you since the cheating report.

[Kazdra | Beast 27]

I've known you for a while Buddha (Before you were Manager) and you were a great guy.  Yes you have changed but I think it was for the better.  Shit happens yes (To put it harshly, I don't have any words of kindness/comfort to give to you at this time.) but, we need to look past it all and work forward.  Is it annoying that people do shit like this? Yes, it's very difficult to attain what mistakes we have made and atone for them.

At the time of my leave I did yes, drop all connection to GG but that's because I had some friends to go play with.  Sometimes it's just nice to step back and relax and take time to reflect on things.

Gonna say a couple things about old events even though I might be a nobody now or it seems dumb that I'm replying now instead of before.

7 hours ago, eXg-Buddha said:

Sub. 1.0: Cheating

 

Never once have I believed this to be true, I was going to have my input but had already saw it become locked so I couldn't defend you sadly.  I've always played and enjoyed playing with you and never once suspected of you cheating.

7 hours ago, eXg-Buddha said:

Sub. 1.1:  Fallout

 

Harassment is definitely an issue, if they wanted to harass you for "proof" of cheating don't see it as a negative but as a positive. I.E. I was so good because x, y, z. or My ping was on fire that day. etc.

Never let one thing drag you down, it tends to be hell.  Trust me I've been there and it's not fun to trudge through.

7 hours ago, eXg-Buddha said:

Sub 2.0:  Enigma

 

Was this a bit immature? Yes.  Could it have been handled/written better? Yes.

We all make mistakes, as I have stated earlier sometimes we need to take a step back and relax before we respond to things.  Hasty decisions tend not to be the best ones.

7 hours ago, eXg-Buddha said:

Sub 3.0: Death Threats

 

Ngl, this seemed like a joke to me as a post entirely, because MRP is full of "serious" role players sometimes albeit more serious/annoying than DarkRP.  But the fact that he made a report to you about "Death Threats" was just entirely fucking stupid.  The amount of people who gave me death threats (Especially in MRP) and I'm still fucking alive enjoying what I do, people vent from time to time and it's understandable.  If someone wants to take it the wrong way that's their issue.  Not everyone can convey a message the same way, that's where miscommunication happens most.

7 hours ago, eXg-Buddha said:

Sub. 4.0: Buddha - Formal Report

 

This I believe was handled very well by Garnet.  This should NOT have been made a post and should have been locked quickly after creation for "damage control".  This post was a deliberate attempt to target you and harass you further about anything and almost everything that you do with the community.  These are just people who have a vendetta or some other personal agenda.  Is the world full of assholes? Yes, figuratively; it's only how you decide who's more of an asshole than others.  Will it rub off on you? Yes, put you need to push back sometimes or strive to do better.  Issues do happen consistently and meticulously, it's just up to everyone to figure out there own problems on there own, not to fucking find issues with others.

 

In my personal opinion, take a break.  Everyone works hard as staff and because you have a higher position, people expect you to do better or to strive farther (Granted as staff you are also expected to be professional and expected to do better.  Especially as a Manager+).  People sometimes fail to realize that there are other living breathing beings sometimes behind the screen being communicated to.  It sucks the fact that issues like this occur and that there is sometimes little to stop it, but like I've said before.  The only thing you can mostly do now is take a step back, relax, and continue on.  If you were to go on an LOA right now, I believe it would be fully reasonable due to recent/past events.  Everyone deserves a break sometimes from their favorite community.

 

Could this have been typed better? Probably, I work best when I'm tired and I practically typed up this fucking paragraphs of hurtful truth with inspiration when I just woke up.  Stay you and keep doing what you like, you have changed for the better and I can see you making great changes.  Yes you hit a brick wall recently but you need to surpass it so that it doesn't drag you down.  You'll get your moment of clarity to this situation and you'll reflect back to it kindly.

 

If you ever need someone to chat to, come talk to me through PM's or when you see me on TS.  It would be nice to talk to an old friend.  I may not respond instantly or quickly but I've been kind of getting into the mood of coming back to the community, maybe even staff.

Edited May 28, 2020 by Kazdra | Beast
See Edit(s)

[eli_ 641]

Legit this lockdown has been a shitshow for everyone including me. Not being able to see friends and family who even live nearby. We've all done shit we regret whether it's IRL or in game. Honestly even barely knowing you I never thought you'd cheat. When I saw that report I legit saw waves of people who seemed like your friends attacking you. But legit looking at the proof it looked legit and you weren't cheating. I'm glad you're doing much better. If you ever need anything hmu on discord. I believe you already have it. Good luck Buddha. 

[Murray 16]

you know Buddha I can somewhat feel where you are coming from. Especially with the server taking over your personal life. When i first joined the server back and got into a soc faction I didn't realize that the amount of time and energy I was putting into the server was severely unhealthy. Literally I would be invited to parties, fishing , or mountain biking, all three of these things I love, and I would turn them down to play GG. Yes, this server does deserve your love and SOME of your energy, but when it gets to the point where you cant sleep or you dont go outside and do things that you love, that is when you need to tone it down a little. Just my two cents, but I hope it will help. But also, there comes a point where things are pushed over the top. With the whole hit list things, whether  it was a joke or not, that is just something you cannot say these days.  People take things in different perspectives, and that is why you have to have a filter that appeals to all or else this kind of stuff happens. Your human, everyone is, and trust me ive made some people angry or said something, or did something, that was perceived as toxic even though I didnt mean to portray it that way (peep the rep). But, you must put that in the past and forgive and forget. Moving forward and starting fresh is one of the healthiest things you can do irl and in-game.

Edited May 28, 2020 by Murray